Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts

Sunday, September 25, 2011

5 Healthy Tips to Handle The Inevitable Repercussions of Divorce

Loneliness is not just about your marriage ending, it is about all the aspects of your life that change.  You are separating from your partner of many years and that by itself can lead to loneliness.  But because your entire life is structured around your marriage, it impacts all your relationships. Going from a married couple to a single person affects your relationships with your family, in-laws, friends and most social circles that you have enjoyed during your married life.  Finding yourself suddenly single can feel alien and isolating.
Perhaps your family doesn’t understand or your in-laws feel too angry or uncomfortable to continue their relationship with you.  If you have children of any age, they too are reacting to the changing circumstances, some moving closer to you while others may push away, side with the other parent or just isolate themselves.  Your friends may be uncomfortable not knowing who to give their loyalty to or stop inviting you to events that are attended by all married couples.
You need to talk in order to process all that is going on, but soon feel that you are burdening your closest friends; that they are getting tired of hearing your story.  You may also feel like you are so sad or angry that you are depressing to be around and might be pushing away the few friends you have.  You may feel more like staying under the covers or watching TV on weekends instead of getting out of the house and doing something.  Or you may be working so hard to just make ends meet, that you have no time or energy to socialize anymore.
Because divorce is also wrought with feelings such as sadness, frustration, anger and fear, you are already ripe for isolating yourself due to depression.  Add to this your changing circumstances and you can easily find yourself secluded from friends and family that truly want to be there for you.

How do you navigate these difficult times honoring your feelings and need to grieve yet protecting yourself from isolation and the depression that can follow?

1.  Honor your feelings with time and patience.  It is healthy and essential that you go through the grieving process. These feelings are not going to last forever, but it is where you are and need to be right now. You need time to feel your feelings and process all that is happening in your life.  If used well, this can be a time of healing and self reflection.  You can get to know yourself, how you ended up in this situation, what your part in it is and how you can begin to learn from your struggle and become a healthier person.
2.   Create a healthy support network.  Take a look at all your relationships and decide who the healthiest people are to help you through this.  Who will keep the focus on you instead of joining you in bashing your ex?  Who will give you the support and encouragement you need when you are in fear and anxiety about your future?  Also join a Divorce Support Group.  Being around others who are going through the same life transition as you will be very healing.  You will see that you are not alone in your fears or feelings.  This is also a great place to begin new friendships.  Check out local groups or go towww.meetup.com and see if there are any groups in your area.
3.  Take care of yourself.  Eat right and get some exercise.  Go for a daily walk.  Have a cup of tea or coffee with a friend.  Take up a hobby or take a class (yoga, carpentry, writing, pottery).  Do something special with your kids.  Make sure that you are on your priority list.  Now is the time to give yourself the attention you need.  Just like healing a physical wound, it is critical that you give yourself time to heal your emotions and that requires downtime and attention to your self.
4.   Begin to create new goals.  Look forward instead of back.  This might mean painting and redecorating your home, taking up a new interest, planning a vacation or joining a social group (ie. biking club, book club) to begin recreating your life.  This can be an exciting time to ask yourself what dreams and aspirations you put on the back burner that you would like to dust off and give a try.
5.   Take the focus off of yourself.  This may mean helping your children, supporting someone else going through a difficult time or volunteering for a local cause that is close to your heart.  By shifting the focus away from your stuff, you begin to feel helpful and find gratitude for what you do have instead of focusing on what you no longer have.

Share your struggles and successes around loneliness with us.  We want to hear your story

The Mindful Self-Express

The mind-body experiment

The Six Best Ways to Decrease Your Anxiety

Use research-based coping strategies to overcome your fears

brain at peace
Calming the mind
We all know the uncomfortable feeling of anxiety. Our hearts race, our fingers sweat, and our breathing gets shallow and labored. We experience racing thoughts about a perceived threat that we think is too much to handle. That's because our "fight or flight" response has kicked in, resulting in sympathetic arousal and a narrowing of attention and focus on avoiding the threat. We seem to be locked in that state, unable to focus on our daily chores or longer-term goals. As a Cognitive-Behavior Therapist with more than 15 years of experience, I have found a variety of techniques that I can teach my patients with anxiety disorders such as phobias, panic attacks, or chronic worry. Some are based on changing thoughts, others on changing behavior, and still others involve physiological responses. The more aspects of anxiety I can decrease, the lower the chance of relapse post-therapy. Below are six strategies that you can use to help your anxiety.:
healing anxiety
Techniques to achieve inner peace of mind
(1) Reevaluating the probability of the threatening event actually happening
Anxiety makes us feel threat is imminent yet most of the time what we worry about never happens. By recording our worries and how many came true, we can notice how much we overestimate the prospect of negative events.
(2) Decatastrophizing
Even if a bad event happened, we may still be able to handle it by using our coping skills and problem-solving abilities or by enlisting others to help. Although not pleasant, we could still survive encountering a spider, having a panic attack, or losing money. It's important to realize that very few things are the end of the world.
(3) Using deep breathing and relaxation to calm down
By deliberately relaxing our muscles we begin to calm down so we can think clearly. If you practice this without a threat present at first, it can start to become automic and will be easier to use in the moment when you face a threat. Deep breathing engages the parasympathetic nervous system to put the brakes on sympathetic arousal.
(4) Becoming mindful of our own physical and mental reactions
The skill of mindfulness involves calmly observing our own reactions, including fear, without panic or feeling compelled to act. It is something that can be taught in therapy and improves with practice.
(5) Accepting the Fear and Committing to Living a Life Based on Core Values
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is an approach that encourages people to accept the inevitability of negative thoughts and feelings and not try to repress or control them. By directing attention away from the fear and back onto life tasks and valued goals, we can live a full life despite the fear.

healing anxiety
Soothing & healing strategies for your mind
(6) Exposure
Exposure is the most powerful technique for anxiety and it involves facing what we fear and staying in the situation long enough for the fear to habituate or go down, as it naturally does. Fear makes us avoid or run away, so our minds and bodies never learn that much of what we fear is not truly dangerous.
I use these techniques regularly in my clinical practice in Mill Valley, CA 94941.
My website is http://www.melanieagreenbergphd.com. 
Check out my blog http://marinpsychologist.blogspot.com
Like me on facebookhttp://www.fb.org.mindfulselfexpress

Monday, July 04, 2011

The importance of vacations to our physical and mental health






Among the many debates swirling through the nation's circle of pundits each year is whether nation's leaders should take time off in the summer for their yearly recess. As it turns out, though it may seem that they're being irresponsible, perhaps they're doing the right thing. Everyone needs a vacation once in a while.

Though the average citizen may not experience the kind of mega-stress of a nationally elected leader, all of us have our own home-grown version of job-related stress. We may face the burden of meeting tight deadlines, making crucial decisions, or managing the complexities of household demands. Our stress may also include the stress of being under- or unemployed. All adults have lives that are filled with some form of stress, even if we don't truly acknowledge this fact.

Chronic stress takes its toll in part on our body's ability to resist infection, maintain vital functions, and even ability to avoid injury. When you're stressed out and tired, you are more likely to become ill, your arteries take a beating, and you're more likely to have an accident. Your sleep will suffer, you won't digest your food as well, and even the genetic material in the cells of your body may start to become altered in a bad way. Mentally, not only do you become more irritable, depressed, and anxious, but your memory will become worse and you'll make poorer decisions. You'll also be less fun to be with, causing you to become more isolated, lonely, and depressed.

Clearly, then, stress is not a good thing. Even people who claim to love the high-pressured lifestyle will admit, in their quieter moments, that there are times when they just want to get away from it all, if only for a short time.

Vacations have the potential to break into the stress cycle. We emerge from a successful vacation feeling ready to take on the world again. We gain perspective on our problems, get to relax with our families and friends, and get a break from our usual routines. That's if the vacation is "successful." Later, I'll talk about ways to guarantee that you do have a successful vacation experience rather than one that could be chronicled as a "National Lampoon" movie. For now, though, let's look at some of that evidence.


In a 2009 study, Canadian researchers Joudrey and Wallace reported that "active" leisure pursuits (such as golf!) and taking vacations helped to buffer or ameliorate the job stress among a sample of almost 900 lawyers. British researcher Scott McCabe noted that vacations' "personal benefits have been found to include: rest and recuperation from work; provision of new experiences leading to a broadening of horizons and the opportunity for learning and intercultural communication; promotion of peace and understanding; personal and social development; visiting friends and relatives; religious pilgrimage and health; and, subjective wellbeing" (p. 667). McCabe believes these positive benefits to be so strong that he recommends that families be given some form of financial assistance if they are unable to afford vacations on their own. 

The benefits of vacations extend to family relationships. An international group of researchers led by Purdue University Xinran Lehto concluded that family vacations contribute positively to family bonding, communication and solidarity. Vacations promote what is called the "crescive bond" (in sociological parlance, a "shared experience") by fostering growing and enduring connections. Shared family memories and time spent together isolated from ordinary everyday activities (school, work, and so on) help to promote these positive ties. Though family vacations can have their own share of stress, the benefits outweigh the risks, even in families that are not particularly close, according to Lehto and co-authors.

Ready to hop off Psych Today and hop on to Expedia to book your next vacation? Of course it might not be so easy. Until the word gets out and the government or private charities start issuing vacation stimulus packages, you may not be in a position to fly up, up, and away. There are also many ways to benefit from a "stay-cation" (where you don't venture further than your state, town or city, or even neighborhood). But for now, if you're able to and ready, here are some ways to make sure that you actually benefit from every penny spent on that hard-earned adventure:

1. "Plan ahead" (put in quotes because you've certainly heard this one before!): Do your online research and make sure you know what's available in your vacation destination. It's frustrating to find out too late that if you had just done a bit of googling you'd have found the ideal beach, mountain, museum, park, etc. etc. Planning ahead will also minimize family stress while on that vacation especially if you've pre-agreed on an itinerary. This will also make it possible for you to determine ahead of time whether some or all of you want to go bungee jumping vs. museum-hopping.

2. Know the rules and regulations: Airlines are notoriously pulling bait-and-switch tactics in which they advertise one set of fares and then jack the prices up with ludicrous fees. Spirit Airlines most recently caught fire for their decision to charge for carry-on luggage. There are some good websitesout there with advice on how to avoid some of these charges. Know your country's safety rules and regulations as well. If you don't want to give up your cherished Swiss Army knife, for example, you'll need to remember to pack it in checked bags or leave it at home altogether.

3. Don't feel guilty because you're going on vacation. You can afford a vacation but your neighbor, co-worker, or best friend can't. The point of a vacation is to rid yourself from as much guilt as possible. If you are so distressed about taking a trip, maybe there's something else holding you back. Alternatively, you can decide to donate some of your budget originally intended for travel to a charitable cause. And don't feel that you shouldn't send a card or bring back a gift for someone who couldn't take a vacation because you don't want to rub it in. If the person resents your card or gift, well, let's just say that this person may not be someone you should worry about anyway! (just kidding).

4. Don't feel guilty when you're gone if you check email. Some people feel that the worst part of a vacation is coming back to hundreds or thousands of emails. If you're one of those people (and you know who you are), then allot yourself a small portion of each day to a stop in an internet cafe or a peek at your laptop. In fact, there's a case to be made that you need to do some email checking just to make sure that family members at home are okay, nothing horrible has happened to your household pets, your charge accounts are still solvent, and your flight hasn't been delayed.

5. Make your vacation a true adventure. As shown by the research, an active vacation involving new challenges will be most beneficial. Sure, you can veg out on the beach for hours at a time if that's going to relax you the most. But be sure that you stray outside of the resort, hotel, cruise ship, or wherever you are in that comfort zone of yours and get off the beaten track a bit. It will build some new synapses and give you some of those memorable, bonding, experiences with your fellow vacationers. 

6. More practical advice (skip this if you've heard it way too many times before). Pack for contingencies such as getting sick, getting a sunburn (which you should not get if you've followed my advice in earlier posts about sunblock!), losing your glasses, getting a paper cut, and so forth. Pack far enough in advance so you don't forget your favorite teddy bear or whatever else will give you comfort. Zip up your bags, don't carry too much cash, xerox your passport if you're going out of the country, check the drawers in your hotel room before you leave, don't go in sketchy areas alone or without prior advice - you don't want the adventure to turn sour. Leave enough extra room in your case for souvenirs, and buy them. You may never realize until later how much you regretted not spending one or two dollars for the trinket that at the time seemed silly but in retrospect would have looked oh so cute on your kitchen table.

Take plenty of pictures. The days of carrying 20 rolls of film for a 2-week trip are fortunately behind us. The "deletes" don't cost anything anymore. Finally -- read this one-- make sure you know what the plug styles are in countries other than your own. The camera, laptop, or cellphone that's run out of juice won't be any good to you unless you thought ahead to bring the right converter. Don't forget the cords, and don't leave them plugged in when you depart from your hotel room.

Combine souvenir shopping with camera tricks
Alright, that should take care of the do's and don't's for a successful vacation. But there are plenty ofadvantages to stay-cations. You can make your time at home so good that people who had to put up with the woes of travel will end up being jealous of you!

Vacations are just one route to fulfillment. To learn more about ways to achieve your own self-fulfillment, check out my Search for Fulfillment website. There you can read excerpts from my book and take online quizzes so that you can find the action plan that will be most helpful to your pathway to fulfillment. Check out the Interactive Resources for these and other features.

Bon Voyage!


Copyright Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D. 2010



References:

Leisure as a coping resource: A test of the job demand-control-support model

1.          University of Calgary, adejoudr@ucalgary.ca
1.          Sociology at the University of Calgary, jwallace@ucalgary.ca
Joudrey, A.D. & Wallace, J.E. (2009). Leisure as a coping resource: A test of the job demand-control-support model. Human Relations, 62, 195-217.
Lehto, X. Y., Choi, S., Lin, Y., & MacDermid, S.M. (2009). Vacation and family functioning. Annals of Tourism Research, 36, 459-479.
McCabe, S. (2009). Who needs a holiday? Evaluating social tourism. Annals of Tourism Research, 36, 667-688.
 

Ten Ways Fathers Model Healthy Relationships for Their Children

Research shows consistently what children know intuitively: Fathers are important.

Children learn how men should behave in relationships by watching their fathers. Even if you do not live with their mother, they are keenly aware of the way you interact with her.

 Most divorce anddomestic violence happens to men and women who grew up without a father modeling healthy relationship behavior.



Here are 10 tips to help you model the way you want your daughter to be treated in her adult relationships, and the way you want your son to treat the woman he loves.

  • Value their mother: Children value themselves and others more when they feel that their mother and father value one another.
  • Perspective-taking (seeing things through someone else's eyes): Show your children the importance of respecting the perspectives of people they love, even when they disagree with them.
  • Cooperation: Show how to participate willingly in work, problem-solving, or task-accomplishment.
  • Negotiation: Show your children how to work out solutions to problems that respect one another's perspectives.
  • Motivation to improve: Approach everything, including disagreements, with the attitude of making things better, not worse.
  • Compassion: This gut-level reaction to their mother's pain, discomfort, or anxiety includes sympathy, protectiveness, and willingness to help but not control. It recognizes that their mother is different from you, with her own temperament, set of experiences, beliefs, values, and preferences.
  • Good will: Learning a positive attitude toward the people they love will greatly improve your children's chances of having good relationships as adults.
  • Affection: Showing affection toward their mother makes children feel more secure.
  • Relationship investment: Successful relationships require that people care about - do good things for - one another.
  • Protection: Loved ones support and protect one another.

The Six Best Ways to Decrease Your Anxiety

    We all know the uncomfortable feeling of anxiety. Our hearts race, our fingers sweat, and our breathing gets shallow and labored. We experience racing thoughts about a perceived threat that we think is too much to handle. That's because our "fight or flight" response has kicked in, resulting in sympathetic arousal and a narrowing of attention and focus on avoiding the threat. We seem to be locked in that state, unable to focus on our daily chores or longer-term goals. As a Cognitive-Behavior Therapist with more than 15 years of experience, I have found a variety of techniques that I can teach my patients with anxiety disorders such as phobias, panic attacks, or chronic worry. Some are based on changing thoughts, others on changing behavior, and still others involve physiological responses. The more aspects of anxiety I can decrease, the lower the chance of relapse post-therapy. Below are six strategies that you can use to help your anxiety.:



healing anxiety
Techniques to achieve inner peace of mind
(1) Reevaluating the probability of the threatening event actually happening
Anxiety makes us feel threat is imminent yet most of the time what we worry about never happens. By recording our worries and how many came true, we can notice how much we overestimate the prospect of negative events.
(2) Decatastrophizing
Even if a bad event happened, we may still be able to handle it by using our coping skills and problem-solving abilities or by enlisting others to help. Although not pleasant, we could still survive encountering a spider, having a panic attack, or losing money. It's important to realize that very few things are the end of the world.
(3) Using deep breathing and relaxation to calm down
By deliberately relaxing our muscles we begin to calm down so we can think clearly. If you practice this without a threat present at first, it can start to become automic and will be easier to use in the moment when you face a threat. Deep breathing engages the parasympathetic nervous system to put the brakes on sympathetic arousal.
(4) Becoming mindful of our own physical and mental reactions
The skill of mindfulness involves calmly observing our own reactions, including fear, without panic or feeling compelled to act. It is something that can be taught in therapy and improves with practice.
(5) Accepting the Fear and Committing to Living a Life Based on Core Values
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is an approach that encourages people to accept the inevitability of negative thoughts and feelings and not try to repress or control them. By directing attention away from the fear and back onto life tasks and valued goals, we can live a full life despite the fear.

healing anxiety
Soothing & healing strategies for your mind
(6) Exposure
Exposure is the most powerful technique for anxiety and it involves facing what we fear and staying in the situation long enough for the fear to habituate or go down, as it naturally does. Fear makes us avoid or run away, so our minds and bodies never learn that much of what we fear is not truly dangerous.















I use these techniques regularly in my clinical practice in Mill Valley, CA 94941.
My website is http://www.melanieagreenbergphd.com. 
Check out my blog http://marinpsychologist.blogspot.com
Like me on facebookhttp://www.fb.org.mindfulselfexpress

Use research-based coping strategies to overcome your fears
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