Five Unacceptable Reasons for Starting a Bromance

Few things in life are more appreciable than a bromance. A bromance is when two dudes metaphorically come together in platonic matrimony to be best guy-friends. It’s a union that’s evolved by leaps and bounds since society decided to be cool about guys getting in touch with their emotions & stuff in between talking football and boobs.

Bromances are like everything else in that you get out of it what you put into it. But before you can put into it, maybe it’s wise to think for a moment about why you’re getting into it and make sure you’re not setting yourself up for a bromance fail.

Here are five motivations for initiating a bromance you might want to steer clear of.

5. You want your childhood back

We all miss being a kid, sometimes. But you’re a man now, and it can be dangerous to parlay a bromance into bringing back the good ole days. Part of the fun of the good ole days was the combination of mischievous adventure and destruction. You could break some rules and get away with it. You could do stuff like get into a fight, or break a church window, or light a cat on fire, or compare boners on sleepover nights without any profound repercussions.

But those feelings are like glasses of water. When you’re young, the glass is easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of liquid that filled you up as a kid doesn’t do the trick anymore. Being all grown up and seeking mischievous adventure and destruction usually means either getting sued or ending up in jail. One dude bromancing another dude just so he can watch him fight a homeless guy, or hold his beer can so he can do some ninja stuff to it can only end in disaster.

4. You don’t think you’re multicultural enough

There have been plenty of famous interracial bromances over the years that have taught us the wonders of cross-color man-love. Some of them were real (Gale Sayers and Brian Piccolo), some scripted (J.D. and Turk from Scrubs), and some that should’ve quit while they were ahead (Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker).

Real or fiction, swirl bromances like these tend to have one thing in common—both bros were more or less brought together by force. Piccolo and Sayers were assigned to be roommates because they played the same position for the Chicago Bears, J.D. and Turk worked at the same hospital—the one where every nurse is hot, and Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker were running low on cash so they had to make another sequel.

It’s a good thing for us to maybe take a lesson from these guys—something about broadening our horizons, not judging a book by its cover, we all make the colors of the rainbow, and so on and so on. It’s kind of a dumb thing for a dude to pin his hopes on becoming a better person, or a hipper person, or a get-laid-more person by going out of his way to find people outside his race/class/creed and trying his damndest to plant bromance seeds.

On a related note, we’d now like to introduce you to somebody. His name is Scumbag Steve.

Maybe you’ve heard of him. Maybe you haven’t. Maybe you think he’s one of the biggest douche bags you’ve ever seen (probable). Scumbag Steve is the ghost of guy-who-tries-too-hard-to-be-something-he’s-not future. A guy can end up like him if he’s not careful.

3. You’re lonely

One could argue that every other dubious reason on this list is just a variation of this one, but whatever. Post-college life can sometimes hit our social lives hard. A whole new set of professional and personal obligations have to come to fruition once that diploma hits your hand.

First, you have to get a big-boy job. Not just you, but all your friends, which sometimes means moving to different cities and states. Then the clock starts ticking on collaring a wife and spitting out some kids. These two things lead to a gradual lifestyle change that few wolf pack’s can survive.

Further complicating things is the fact that you can’t have a bromance with your wife/girlfriend. You just can’t. If it was possible, your wife/girlfriend would have no problem hearing you tell the story of how you got a handy from your ex at your high school reunion last week. So that just leaves you and your lonesome. But you can’t get needy. Desperately pursuing a bromance is like desperately pursuing sex with said wife/girlfriend. If you demand it, you won’t get it.

2. You’re bicurious

Bromances don’t work unless there’s an unspoken and agreed upon boundary between “nice abs, bro” and “you look so vulnerable right now…I must draw you, bro.” Normally, we’d have no problem condoning a lil’ experimentation now and again, but man-love and literal man-on-man love have to be kept separate, because that’s not how bromances work.

Remember that scene in Chasing Amy where Holden kisses Banky and then suggests they have a threesome with his girlfriend? And he more or less ends up ruining their bromance for even floating the possibility that they subconsciously yearn for each other’s meat? That’s pretty much what we’re talking about, here.

Bromances were realized with the idea of having a safe-haven intimacy that went nowhere any guy involved didn’t want it to go. They exist so dudes can slap each other on the ass and not feel gay about it.

1. Because he’s awesome on TV

Who’s awesome on TV? Some dude you’ll never share a drink with in real life, which would actually qualify this as more of an unrequited man crush than a possible bromance, but it’s on the list because there’s a lesson to be learned, here.

Man crushes basically work like this: random guy see’s another guy whom he instantly recognizes—for whatever reason—as infinitely more badass than he. Whether the guy’s a pro linebacker, a shark wrangler, or Richard Branson, the random dude pines for him in the most hetero way possible the same way he’d pine for a gold-encrusted AR-15.

Fictional man crushes are a dangerous thing. You tend to get the rug pulled out from under you. Just because he played a badass that one time doesn’t mean he won’t show up in the next Indiana Jones raping movie. For shits and giggles, let’s talk about Nicolas Cage. If anybody ever had a man crush on Nicolas Cage, we reserve the right to question their homosocial judgment. But in fairness, he was kind of a badass once upon a time in Con Air. Observe:

Now, if Cage had dropped dead from a heart attack the day after filming wrapped on Con Air, his appropriateness as a man crush would’ve stayed intact. But he didn’t. He kept making movies. Most of them bad. Some of them really bad. At one point, he punches a girl while dressed as a bear. Observe:

Ice Cold: Beer vs. People

Firstly...

Czech people drink more beer per capita than anybody else in the world.

The beer in this country is cheap, delicious, freezing cold, clean, low in alcohol, and extremely commonplace. If one pub kicks you out for throwing glasses at the elderly, you can find another one within a 10-meter radius, silently and shamefully waiting to pump you full of alcohol and outrageous ideas. There is a joke in this country: "So this pub near Anděl ran out of beer…" People are already laughing at it, like we told them that George W. Bush was running for Prime Minister of the Czech Republic next term. Pubs don't run out of beer in this country. The ensuing riots would destroy the entire government, infrastructure, and all future pork 'n' potato delicacies. 



The beer is so widespread, like a never-ending fountain of lore in some fantastic 200-year-old novel; it would be foolish to embark upon any nighttime excursion soberly, away from its thick, smoky cradle of sinful goodness. Deciding what is the best beer is frequently a matter of debate, and experts who might know what they're talking about discuss it at length. 



When I lived in Tucson, Arizona, I drank what most would call an appropriate amount of beer for a 24-year-old. I didn't drink it daily, and I rarely had it in my refrigerator. Since arriving in Prague nearly six months ago, however, my beer intake has tripled at least. I drink beer daily in this city - it is somewhat hard not to. I don't get drunk when I drink it (some of the time), and I don't drink it to get drunk (most of the time). I treat it as a cultural caveat, like the sumo-wrestling diaper (50 CZK to whoever knows the name of this thing) that I wear when I go to Japan. 



I'll be the first crazy jerk to admit that the entire concept of beer is normally better rather than worse. Beer begins to psychologically represent good vibes and fun. And we all know fun rocks. Except for wine, which has been known to turn me into a Class 3 tornado, and liquor, which I began to associate with pain some time ago, I cannot think of any beverage to match the esteemed character of beer. In the States, people guzzle soda like it's becoming extinct, to their detriment: they are fat little piggies because of it. Beer, while similar in caloric content, has no refined sugar, which is the true culprit in the case of Fatty McFatfat, Jr.


Below is a hackneyed outline of the "benefits" of beer. 




1. -The Buzz
, The great thing about brain cells is that they grow back…Right? Hmm. Well, the last time I checked, being a little bit buzzed with a group of good friends and someone who is new and cute shows up and you spend most of the night looking deeply into their eyes from across the table, turning what was once only the faintest glimmer in part of the night sky that you never looked at before into an inferno of inhuman temperatures is still pretty darn cool in my book. Ahh, the buzz. Optical reciprocity.
2. -The Social Elevator
, Go on up - just like you do when you leave the metro. Our psychic walls are flattened after drinking beer, making interaction easier, but certainly less graceful. Alcohol is nicknamed "liquid courage" for a reason. Normally this references the lame and frequently tactless act of "going to go talk to that girl but maybe I should become a slathering idiot only seconds before I do it" type of expedition. Our inhibitions become hibitions, or something. Also, small dogs in pubs are friendlier. They understand. 


3. -Damn, I did that?
 Beer is the oldest natural method of accountability/responsibility removal. Before that, it was getting killed by a mammoth. I guess you don't have to do any chores after that… When we drink beer, all reason and logic decides to drink along with us. It is liberating, as long as you have friends that are good enough to pull your drunk behind out of trouble's lunchbox in time. No use showing up to work minus two teeth and with a forehead tattoo that says "Beeyatch." 



4. Beer Goggles:
   

Here's A Good Couple o Videos Regarding The Concept Of Beer Goggles.


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Unfortunately, beer basically works against us most of the time. Men develop a belly whose roundness is rivaled only by a pregnant woman's, huge and rotund, like the peach from my favorite Roald Dahl book. It can cause car accidents, damage our liver, reduce intelligence and motivation, and create the well-known phenomenon of "beer goggles", in which the wearer is almost sure to make a startlingly poor decision regarding the evening's partner. 


But, I still drink it - a lot. I drink it Monday afternoons at lunch, Thursday evenings (I've begun to refer to Thursday as "Friday #2") and during Sunday brunch. I have been known to stop drinking beer at two in the morning on Sunday morning and start again at noon the same day. I drink it all except for Zlatopramen, which I find to be way too skunky and sweet like a… wait, no, I drink that one too. 



The reason that I'm writing about this now is that I've recognized a lot of people in my generation as "heavy drinkers".
I could conceivably go out and drink every night, for weeks, without arousing suspicion in this country. Seemingly, my peers and my generation are no longer able to have a good time without some sort of drug. Alcohol, nicotine, some new desperate crude called Pervitin (meth), caffeine, marijuana, spray-paint, gasoline, rotten broccoli, and Nyquil: When did it happen that we had to have some substance in order to have meaningful social interactions? Before, it was Pepsi and candy and our imaginations and dentist visits. When did it change?



You Must Ask Yourself...
Is this a problem in the first place?
I mean, it's just beer. It does not affect my work negatively, or my interpersonal relationships with people (probably since they are also drinking something). Actually, I hope it positively influences my writing, as I am drinking a beer at this very moment.

** Solution? Plan a special night out where no substances are involved. No alcohol, opiates, or caffeine. Juice or herbal tea only. You can at least feel good about trying it once. Then back to the pub for more abuse and vomit.



As my parents and grandparents shudder at reading this, making silent notes to strike me from their will, I sit in a crusty dungeon in Prague, sipping ice-cold Gambrinus 10 and worrying. I worry that all my friends would be less cool without the social drinking to connect us. I worry that I am missing a huge part of consciousness and mental well being by drinking. I’m worrying so much, I think I need another beer. 




* In the fight against people, let it be said that beer has the distinct advantage of greater portability and agreeable temperature. 



** This article was written with the intention of analyzing the qualities of beer in an objective fashion, but failed miserably in doing so because of the beer involved in the creation, execution, emailing, and typing of said article

Thanks for reading, now go out and find a pint of Pilsner Urquell, Gambrinus, or Budvar,
....BUT....
DON'T DRINK ALONE !!