Czech people drink more beer per capita than anybody else in the world.
The beer in this country is cheap, delicious, freezing cold, clean, low in alcohol, and extremely commonplace. If one pub kicks you out for throwing glasses at the elderly, you can find another one within a 10-meter radius, silently and shamefully waiting to pump you full of alcohol and outrageous ideas. There is a joke in this country: "So this pub near Anděl ran out of beer…" People are already laughing at it, like we told them that George W. Bush was running for Prime Minister of the Czech Republic next term. Pubs don't run out of beer in this country. The ensuing riots would destroy the entire government, infrastructure, and all future pork 'n' potato delicacies.
The beer is so widespread, like a never-ending fountain of lore in some fantastic 200-year-old novel; it would be foolish to embark upon any nighttime excursion soberly, away from its thick, smoky cradle of sinful goodness. Deciding what is the best beer is frequently a matter of debate, and experts who might know what they're talking about discuss it at length.
When I lived in Tucson, Arizona, I drank what most would call an appropriate amount of beer for a 24-year-old. I didn't drink it daily, and I rarely had it in my refrigerator. Since arriving in Prague nearly six months ago, however, my beer intake has tripled at least. I drink beer daily in this city - it is somewhat hard not to. I don't get drunk when I drink it (some of the time), and I don't drink it to get drunk (most of the time). I treat it as a cultural caveat, like the sumo-wrestling diaper (50 CZK to whoever knows the name of this thing) that I wear when I go to Japan.
I'll be the first crazy jerk to admit that the entire concept of beer is normally better rather than worse. Beer begins to psychologically represent good vibes and fun. And we all know fun rocks. Except for wine, which has been known to turn me into a Class 3 tornado, and liquor, which I began to associate with pain some time ago, I cannot think of any beverage to match the esteemed character of beer. In the States, people guzzle soda like it's becoming extinct, to their detriment: they are fat little piggies because of it. Beer, while similar in caloric content, has no refined sugar, which is the true culprit in the case of Fatty McFatfat, Jr.
Below is a hackneyed outline of the "benefits" of beer.
- -The Buzz , The great thing about brain cells is that they grow back…Right? Hmm. Well, the last time I checked, being a little bit buzzed with a group of good friends and someone who is new and cute shows up and you spend most of the night looking deeply into their eyes from across the table, turning what was once only the faintest glimmer in part of the night sky that you never looked at before into an inferno of inhuman temperatures is still pretty darn cool in my book. Ahh, the buzz. Optical reciprocity.
- -The Social Elevator , Go on up - just like you do when you leave the metro. Our psychic walls are flattened after drinking beer, making interaction easier, but certainly less graceful. Alcohol is nicknamed "liquid courage" for a reason. Normally this references the lame and frequently tactless act of "going to go talk to that girl but maybe I should become a slathering idiot only seconds before I do it" type of expedition. Our inhibitions become hibitions, or something. Also, small dogs in pubs are friendlier. They understand.
- -Damn, I did that? Beer is the oldest natural method of accountability/responsibility removal. Before that, it was getting killed by a mammoth. I guess you don't have to do any chores after that… When we drink beer, all reason and logic decides to drink along with us. It is liberating, as long as you have friends that are good enough to pull your drunk behind out of trouble's lunchbox in time. No use showing up to work minus two teeth and with a forehead tattoo that says "Beeyatch."
- Beer Goggles:
Here's A Good Couple o Videos Regarding The Concept Of Beer Goggles.
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Unfortunately, beer basically works against us most of the time. Men develop a belly whose roundness is rivaled only by a pregnant woman's, huge and rotund, like the peach from my favorite Roald Dahl book. It can cause car accidents, damage our liver, reduce intelligence and motivation, and create the well-known phenomenon of "beer goggles", in which the wearer is almost sure to make a startlingly poor decision regarding the evening's partner.
But, I still drink it - a lot. I drink it Monday afternoons at lunch, Thursday evenings (I've begun to refer to Thursday as "Friday #2") and during Sunday brunch. I have been known to stop drinking beer at two in the morning on Sunday morning and start again at noon the same day. I drink it all except for Zlatopramen, which I find to be way too skunky and sweet like a… wait, no, I drink that one too.
The reason that I'm writing about this now is that I've recognized a lot of people in my generation as "heavy drinkers".
I could conceivably go out and drink every night, for weeks, without arousing suspicion in this country. Seemingly, my peers and my generation are no longer able to have a good time without some sort of drug. Alcohol, nicotine, some new desperate crude called Pervitin (meth), caffeine, marijuana, spray-paint, gasoline, rotten broccoli, and Nyquil: When did it happen that we had to have some substance in order to have meaningful social interactions? Before, it was Pepsi and candy and our imaginations and dentist visits. When did it change?You Must Ask Yourself...
Is this a problem in the first place?
I mean, it's just beer. It does not affect my work negatively, or my interpersonal relationships with people (probably since they are also drinking something). Actually, I hope it positively influences my writing, as I am drinking a beer at this very moment.
** Solution? Plan a special night out where no substances are involved. No alcohol, opiates, or caffeine. Juice or herbal tea only. You can at least feel good about trying it once. Then back to the pub for more abuse and vomit.
As my parents and grandparents shudder at reading this, making silent notes to strike me from their will, I sit in a crusty dungeon in Prague, sipping ice-cold Gambrinus 10 and worrying. I worry that all my friends would be less cool without the social drinking to connect us. I worry that I am missing a huge part of consciousness and mental well being by drinking. I’m worrying so much, I think I need another beer.
* In the fight against people, let it be said that beer has the distinct advantage of greater portability and agreeable temperature.
** This article was written with the intention of analyzing the qualities of beer in an objective fashion, but failed miserably in doing so because of the beer involved in the creation, execution, emailing, and typing of said article
Thanks for reading, now go out and find a pint of Pilsner Urquell, Gambrinus, or Budvar,
....BUT....
DON'T DRINK ALONE !!
....BUT....
DON'T DRINK ALONE !!
