Love Hurts, & Men Feel The Pain Longer

Check out what our neighbors to the north have discovered: men are about twice as likely to report depression stemming from divorce than women.

According to the AFP news agency, men aged 20 to 64 who had divorced or separated were six times more likely to report an episode of depression than those who remained married, according to Statistics Canada. Women, however, were only 3.5 times more likely to have had a bout of depression after a marital breakup than those still in a relationship.

Neither the study nor the news report on it gave any real indication of why this was. What would have been interesting is if they paired these statistics with ones on who initiates divorce and reasons cited for the split. I wonder, for example, if women are initiating the divorces more because of cheating spouses and the like. In which case they are probably six times more likely to be pissed off after divorce than men. Or hey, vice versa.

But do check out that little happy nugget of news at the bottom. Turns out it takes only four years to get over the complete and utter devastation of losing the person you love. Well sheesh, if they can solve that one, now can they tell us how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?


The Break Up Girl can offer solutions and advice for both men and women, whether together, apart, or working on it.

http://www.breakupgirl.net/advice/moveon.html

After the break-up, your "first love" never really leaves you, according to student research at UC Berkeley

   

After the break-up, your "first love" never really leaves you, according to student research at UC Berkeley

07 Feb 2001

By Kathleen Scalise, Media Relations

Berkeley - Whether your heart belongs to anyone this Valentine's Day may depend on what happened the first time you fell in love.

This new finding, by University of California, Berkeley, graduate student Jennifer Beer, challenges the notion commonly held since Freud that the stability of the parent-child relationship sets the stage for attachment later in life.

With romance, said Beer, "Some of the problems you have in the romantic domain may have more to do with your first love than with your parents." She based her work on the first-love stories of 303 UC Berkeley undergraduates, mostly juniors, collected in 1997.

By "first love," Beer doesn't mean a childhood crush on a teacher or movie star, but the first real relationship of a romantic nature between two individuals, often experienced in adolescence or early adult years. Those who remember the experience positively are more likely to consider themselves securely attached to their current romantic partners, she said, and to perceive their romantic partners as securely attached to them.

She now is looking at how such recent and distant "vivid" representations of self and partner are stored in different memory systems in the brain and what this might reveal about self-perception.

"Vivid memories are very detailed, self-defining, something you recall a lot, stories and anecdotes you dwell on or tell all the time," Beer said.

In the case of first love, such memories often range from bittersweet but fond - perhaps recollections of a poignant puppy love tinged with regard or regret for a long-ago sweetheart - to deeply painful, soul-crushing experiences.

Whatever happened, "it can set you up as thinking, 'This is what I am like as a relationship partner,' " Beer said.

People who recollect their first romantic experience as involving good feelings, for instance, citing memories of happiness, excitement, strength, inspiration, pride and enthusiasm, were more likely to be in stable relationships years later than those recalling hostility, upset, stress, guilt, fright or shame, Beer found.

"First love relationships often break up. So people say, 'What do you mean, good feelings? It was a breakup,' " she said. "But even though the relationship ended, which seems like it might be negative, the vivid memories surrounding the experience can be good or bad."

As an example of a good experience, Beer cited one respondent who suffered greatly because her former boyfriend dated other women immediately after their relationship ended. But, prior to that, the experience had been a positive taste of what love could be, and the woman learned what made her happy in a relationship.

Alternatively, Beer described a stormier experience that left the respondent years later with the unshakeable suspicion that all men were untrustworthy.

"This is wrong, but I cannot help myself," the respondent commented. "One negative experience has been enough to change my entire outlook on men."

Beer identified four patterns of perception surrounding relationships:

* Secure - A secure, positive sense of both self and partner in a relationship.

* Dismissive -A positive sense of self, but not of partner.

* Preoccupied - A positive sense of partner, but not of self.

* Fearful - Negative recollections of both.

Those with memories of positive emotion and outcomes from their first relationship "were more likely to have positive views of self and others in romantic relationships," Beer said. "Those with more negative emotions and outcome were more likely to show one of the other three patterns."

 http://berkeley.edu/news/media/releases/2001/02/07_love.html

Knowing how to let go of someone you love is tough, but you’re not alone if you’re holding on to the past! It’s hard to let go, my friend.

These tips for letting go and moving on apply to all types of loss, and include resources for healing a broken heart.

Before the tips, a quip:
“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting them back together.” ~ Unknown.

This is one of my favorite quotations on letting go because it’s true – sometimes it’s worse (in the long run) to try to get back together. Sometimes you need to keep forging ahead, and learn to survive heartbreak.

Here are a few tips for letting go of someone you love…

How to Let Go of Someone You Love

If you feel hopeless and depressed, read 75 Ways to Let Go of Someone You Love. I interviewed psychologists, life coaches, counselors, and grief experts on the best ways to cope with and heal from loss.

Remember both the good and the bad parts of the relationship

When you’ve lost someone you love, it’s easy to focus on the great parts of your relationship and life together. But, there was a reason you broke up — maybe even several reasons! Don’t ignore the “bad” parts of the relationship and idealize the best parts…instead, keep reminding yourself that you’re letting go of the past because holding on to it isn’t good for you.

Accept that your loss may always hurt or confuse you

Some things, we never ever get over — but we can still live full, rewarding lives and achieve our goals! Part of letting go of someone you love is accepthing that you may never have all the answers. For instance, my sister cut me out of her life five years ago. She told me she didn’t want to speak to me again and wouldn’t tell me why. That was the ultimate lesson in powerlessness and letting go…and that’s why I wrote Letting Go of Someone You Love.

Accept your lack of control over other people

No matter how “good”, smart, helpful, giving, or attractive you are, you can’t control other people. If they leave you, they have their reasons…and sometimes those reasons have nothing to do with you. The sooner you accept your lack of control, the easier it’ll be to let go of someone you love.

Rebuild yourself

Your losses, heartbreaks, setbacks, and disappointments have made you a different person — a better, more unique, more compassionate person! Instead of mourning what was or what could have been, start something new in your life. Think about what goals you should set for your life. Volunteer, take a solo vacation, join a new gym, take a night class, join a support group, check out a new social club, quit your job, and set new life goals. Rebuild your life — set new life goals.

Remember that letting go of love doesn’t happen overnight

Letting go of the past isn’t something you do once – and poof! You’re free, healed, and happy! Rather, letting go is a journey peppered with steps forward and steps backward, good days and bad days. I grew up in foster homes, and was constantly saying hello and good-bye to new families, friends, and cities. I learned how to love, let go, and open my heart to love again. And I’ve survived those heart-wrenching, gut-twisting breakups that slam you to the ground and rip you to pieces. Letting go is a process that takes time.

Why Do Women Break Up With Men?

http://www.datingdynamics.com/dating-tips-for-men-articles/why-do-women-break-up-with-men.php

When I first started dating, I had good luck in finding women, but lousy luck in keeping them.

I found myself wondering why do women break up with men, anyway?

- Is it my looks?

- Is it my money?

- Is it my job?

Tell me if one of these situations sounds familiar...

DATING DISASTER 1:

In the first situation, I'd go out on a date with a girl, and everything would seem to be going pretty cool. She was digging me, I was digging her.

And there was usually no problem getting that kiss at the end, once I got past the butterflies in my stomach.

Then, I'd call her back the next day (don't women want that?) and I'd never get her, just her voicemail. I'd leave a message, telling her how I had a great time and wanted to see her again.

And then she wouldn't call.

I'd wait for a day or two and try her back again, and if I finally did get her, the conversation would go something like this:

ME: "Hey..."

HER: "Hey." (Not very excited. And I'd feel my stomach sink.)

ME: "Uh, I just thought I'd call and say hello. See how you were doing..."

HER: "Oh, yeah, I'm doing great. Look, I can't really talk right now - I'm hanging out with a friend."

ME: "Oh, uh, okay. Call you later?"

HER: "Sure thing. Talk to you later..."

-- CLICK --

And then later on I'd get an email about how she thinks we should "just be friends."

ARRRRRGH!

What about this situation...

DATING DISASTER 2:

You go out on a date with a girl, and things seem great. You go out on a 2nd and 3rd date, and everything seems pretty fun and cool. Heavy duty makeout sessions...

Ah, it's bliss.

Then, you decide it's time for the "BIG MOVE™."

You invite her over for dinner at YOUR house.

Candles.

Music.

Wine.

Good food.

You're all set. You've even got a condom under the mattress for the "right moment."

Sure enough, she comes over. But you feel a strange vibe as she comes in and gives you a peck on the cheek. Things are a little cooler than before.

You ignore it and go on with the dinner. After the food and wine is done, you go to the living room to chill and hang out on the couch.

You try to get her warmed up, start a little kissing, but she's not as into it as before. She might even throw out the "it's my time of the month" excuse.

Before you know it, she's got an "early day tomorrow," and she has to get going.

I mean, you don't want to admit to yourself that this happened, but it did, and you keep wondering...

WHAT THE HELL DID I DO WRONG?

And then I'd immediately wonder...

WHY do women break up with men like this?

It's frustrating, isn't it?

That's kind of an understatement. It's a real pisser is what it is.

Let's talk about the reasons, but first, you should understand something...

Dating a woman is kind of like driving a car. It takes some work to get it started and moving, but once you get it up to speed, you want to just let it coast under its own power.

You want to click the "cruise control" and just let it riiiiide...

One of the problems here is that dating and attraction has no "cruise control."

And the other problem is that if you don't keep your foot on that gas, you will slow down to nothing when the first hill comes along.

Think of dating "gas" as being the excitement and fun you put into it.

That's all a woman needs to keep feeling that "spark" with you.

I'm going to come back to this one.

Now, let's answer the Big Question: Why do women break up with men?

REASON #1) She found another guy.

Well, this really isn't a reason the way most guys think it is. You see, a woman doesn't want another guy if the one she's with is doing the right things and challenging her.

(Mind you that we're assuming that the woman is stable and doesn't have a major character flaw that leads her to cheating.)

I found out - the hard way - that a woman has NO problem cheating on her boyfriend if she feels that he's not living up to his end of the deal. Meaning, he isn't doing all the things the new guy is to make her feel unique and attractive.

She will feel JUSTIFIED in cheating, in fact. She won't even see it as cheating. She'll see it as self-preservation.

I'm not trying to make women out to be evil here. Guys do the exact same thing - just for slightly different reasons.

I'm going to talk about this again in a minute... Let's move on.

REASON #2) She's exceptionally smart and emotionally mature, and she realizes that you're not what she's looking for in a long term relationship.

Hmmm.

This one doesn't happen often, in my experience, even though it really ought to.

The reality is that when I finally "got it" and understood that you can very easily get a woman so addicted to having you around (because you're giving her what no other guy seems to be able to, other than the unstable "bad boys" out there), you'll have the very real problem of women staying with you even when it's not a good match.

But, as we say, that's a High Quality Problem, huh?

In other words, if I'm going to have a problem, that's a good kind to have.

So while I'm including this as Reason 2 here, the reality is that it's not going to happen if you follow my strategies for building attraction.

REASON #3) You STOPPED doing all the things that got her attracted to you in the first place.

In other words, you let the attraction energy die out.

I could write books and books on this topic...

The fact of the matter is that guys typically put in a lot of energy to get things started with a woman, don't we?

We have to approach her (tell me that isn't agony...)

We have to brave the fear of rejection...

We have to get her number...

We have to call her up and ask her out...

We have to make the plans for the date...

We have to keep escalating things until we can sleep with her...

Hey, that's a lot of work! But we don't mind because it's the thrill of the chase.

But after you've conquered her, this is typically where the average guy lets off that gas and expects the woman to take over. And many women DO take over...

... for a time.

Eventually, though, she becomes resentful that she feels like SHE is doing all the work, and she starts to withdraw. Eventually, she'll either cheat, or she'll just break up with you.

Just remember, there's always a guy out there waiting to do whatever it is you stopped doing to attract your woman.

Look, I'm not saying a woman is justified here, but you have to be realistic. If you weren't doing your work at your job, would you REALLY be surprised if your boss came to you one day and said, "We're terribly sorry, but you haven't been doing your duties. We've found a replacement for you. You're fired."

Cheating sucks, and it's the most painful lesson in the world. But when you clear away all the emotional fog, you'll usually see that there were signs WAY long ago.

There's a rule you must remember:

CARLOS XUMA'S RULE: A woman will NOT leave a man she doesn't feel like she's completely WON.

This is BIG time important! I can't tell you how much that one tip has made ALL the difference in my dating. After I learned it, women stopped breaking up with me. Then it was MY choice to stay with her or not.

I'm not some kind of control freak or something here, but if there's a choice between being the guy that gets dumped, and the guy that does the dumping - I choose to be the guy that breaks up with her.

I suspect you'd rather be that guy, too.

So let's stop "wrongful termination" in its tracks.

Remember that if you focus on ONE area of your connection with women, you'll eliminate about 90% of all the issues you'll ever run into.

That one area is ENERGY.

In my model of attraction called "REAL Game," R.E.A.L. stands for:

R= Relaxed & Resourceful
E= Effective & Energized
A= Alpha & Authentic
L= Lifestyle & Lasting

These are the essential ingredients of your game that create MASSIVE attraction with women - if you know how to use them.

Notice the "E" = Energized.

This is the one area that many guys think of as being the "entertainer," or the life of the party, or Mr. Excitement.

Well, this isn't true. It's actually a technique that you apply in different ways and at different times. And I'll be talking about this more in the upcoming videos and newsletters.

Remember, a woman's definition of "romance" is the same as a guy's. It's simply "fun..."

And remember my rule:

A woman will NOT leave a man she doesn't feel like she's completely WON.
 

If you want to learn how to be the Alpha Man - the man that women never break up with - I've got another article (and a program) you will probably want to see.

The one sure fire way to keep a woman attracted to you is to show her an Alpha Male that has the confidence and attitude that she wants to experience...

Brent Amaker and The Rodeo - You Ain´t Savin Me

Brent Amaker & the Rodeo - When Love Gets to a Man

Gregory Alan Isakov - If I Go I'm Goin

If I Go, I'm Goin

Album: This Empty Northern Hemisphere

this house

she’s holding secrets

i got my change behind the bed

in a coffee can,

i throw my nickels in

just incase i have to leave

and i will go if you ask me to

i will stay if you dare

and if i go i’m goin shameless

i’ll let my hunger take me there

this house

she’s quite the talker

she creeks and moans

she keeps me up

and the photographs

know i’m a liar

they just laugh as i burn her down

and i will go if you ask me to

i will stay if you dare

and if i go i’m goin on fire

let my anger take me there

the shingles man they’re shaking

the back door’s burning through

this house she’s quite the keeper

quite the keeper of you

i will go if you ask me to

i will stay if you dare

and if i go, i’m goin crazy

i’ll let my darlin take me there

(gregory alan isakov, johann wagner, john elliot)

gregory alan isakov

http://www.gregoryalanisakov.com

 from Californication, Season 4 Episode 04.

Download link: http://www.4shared.com/audio/2sT4qmS8

Break Up - Salvaging A Lost Cause: Is there any hope of reconciliation?

I sit any consanty adk, "Is there any hope of reconciliation?"    

You are on the verge of breaking up, but you know you both still really love each other. While there is not much hope left of salvaging the relationship, you sometimes find yourself thinking about how much you would like to start again. The trouble is you have no idea how to start, or even if it is possible.

If the above scenario sounds familiar, then how did it go so wrong? By now you know that there is a lot of resentment between you, but how did you both let it get so far? Everyone makes mistakes and has done things that they regret. The problem is that once you start making mistakes and doing things wrong, the natural inclination is to cover your tracks.

Dishonesty and lies lead to feelings of guilt and resentment. Feelings of guilt and resentment lead to more lies and arguments. Once you start to get sucked in, this vicious circle kicks in and the lies and arguments start to build on each other. Pretty soon you start justifying your actions. How? By blaming your partner: they don't understand you, they are too snippy and argumentative, and they don't love you anymore. When this happens on both sides of the relationship, you are on a fast track to a breakup or divorce.

In order to turn this around, it is going to take a lot of soul-searching and communication. You have to rebuild the trust between the two of you and let your partner know without a doubt that you love them and are willing to take responsibility for your actions. Even if the relationship cannot be completely salvaged, you will at least make the breakup easier on both of you.

The first thing to do is to realize that there was a time when you really loved each other. Think back to how you felt when you first met or first realized that you had romantic feelings for your partner. Try to go back and actually re-experience those feelings. How your heart skipped a beat whenever you saw them or even thought of them. Think of some of the really good times you had together, when you were happy. Realize that at one stage there really was something special between the two of you and it is at least worth trying to salvage the relationship.

Next, really take a look at all the things you did wrong. Don't fall into the trap of blaming your partner for everything, you played a big part in it too, and at this stage you really need to concentrate only on your actions. It would be a great idea to get a sheet of paper and right everything down. The point of this excercise is to release some of the guilt and resentment you feel towards your partner. In order for it to work, you have to come clean - at least to yourself!

Thirdly, write a letter to your love. Explain to them that you are really sorry about the way things turned out and that you realize that you have had a huge part to play in the fact that the relationship turned sour. Talk about how you felt when you first fell in love and remind them of all the great things that have happened to you while you have been together. In order for them to trust your sincerity, however, you are probably going to have to tell them some of the things you have done that you are ashamed of. The important thing is to take responsibility for your actions, let your partner know how how you feel about them and make sure you tell them that you would really like the chance to make it up to them. Invite them on a special date, for just the two of you, so you can sit down together and clear the air, and at the very least, part as friends.

Once you have completed the above, it is really up to the two of you to sit down and discuss things to see if you have a future together. Don't try to rush things, as trust can take time to build again. But, if you at least come clean about how you feel and make an appeal to your partner's heart, you have a better chance of making it than if you didn't.

Break Up - Coping with a Breakup or Divorce: MOVING ON AFTER A RELATIONSHIP ENDS

It’s never easy when a marriage or other significant relationship ends. Whatever the reason for the split – and whether or not you wanted it 

– the breakup of a long-term, committed relationship can turn your whole world upside down and trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling feelings. But there are things you can do to get through this difficult time. Even in the midst of the sadness and stress of a divorce or breakup, you have an opportunity to learn from the experience and grow into a stronger, wiser person.

Healing after a divorce or breakup

Why do breakups hurt so much, even when the relationship is no longer good? A divorce or breakup is painful because it represents the loss, not just of the relationship, but also of shared dreams and commitments. Romantic relationships begin on a high note of excitement and hope for the future. When these relationships fail, we experience profound disappointment, stress, and grief.

A breakup or divorce launches us into uncharted territory. Everything is disrupted: your routine and responsibilities, your home, your relationships with extended family and friends, and even your identity. A breakup brings uncertainty about the future. What will life be like without your partner? Will you find someone else? Will you end up alone? These unknowns often seem worse than an unhappy relationship.

Recovering from a breakup or divorce is difficult. However, it’s important to know (and to keep reminding yourself) that you can and will move on. But healing takes time, so be patient with yourself.

Coping with separation and divorce

• Recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated and confused—and these feelings can be intense. You also may feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. Even if the marriage was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening.
• Give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period of time. You may not be able to be quite as productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way you’re accustomed to for a little while. No one is superman or superwoman; take time to heal, regroup and re-energize.
• Don’t go through this alone. Sharing your feelings with friends and family can help you get through this period. Consider joining a support group where you can talk to others in similar situations. Isolating yourself can raise your stress levels, reduce your concentration, and get in the way of your work, relationships and overall health. Don’t be afraid to get outside help if you need it.

Source: Mental Health America

Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship

Grief is a natural reaction to loss, and the breakup or divorce of a love relationship involves multiple losses:

• Loss of companionship and shared experiences (which may or may not have been consistently pleasurable)
• Loss of support, be it financial, intellectual, social, or emotional
• Loss of hopes, plans, and dreams (can be even more painful than practical losses)

Allowing yourself to feel the pain of these losses may be scary. You may fear that your emotions will be too intense to bear, or that you’ll be stuck in a dark place forever. Just remember that grieving is essential to the healing process. The pain of grief is precisely what helps you let go of the old relationship and move on. And no matter how strong your grief, it won’t last forever.

Tips for grieving after a breakup or divorce:

• Don’t fight your feelings – It’s normal to have lots of ups and downs, and feel many conflicting emotions, including anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. It’s important to identify and acknowledge these feelings. While these emotions will often be painful, trying to suppress or ignore them will only prolong the grieving process.
• Talk about how you’re feeling – Even if it is difficult for you to talk about your feelings with other people, it is very important to find a way to do so when you are grieving. Knowing that others are aware of your feelings will make you feel less alone with your pain and will help you heal. Journaling can also be a helpful outlet for your feelings.
• Remember that moving on is the end goal – Expressing your feelings will liberate you in a way, but it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to over-analyze the situation. Getting stuck in hurtful feelings like blame, anger and resentment will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and moving forward.
• Remind yourself that you still have a future. When you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams. It’s hard to let these dreams go. As you grieve the loss of the future you once envisioned, be encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old ones.

For more information on grieving, see Coping with Grief and Loss. 

Am I depressed or having a normal reaction to the divorce or breakup?

Grief can be paralyzing after a breakup, but after awhile, the sadness begins to lift. Day by day, and little by little, you start moving on. However, if you don’t feel any forward momentum, you may be suffering from depression. When grief triggers depression, the sadness can be unrelenting and overwhelming. Some people describe it as “living in a black hole” or feeling numb, lifeless and empty.

To learn more, see Understanding Depression.

Reach out to others for support through the grieving process

Support from others is critical to healing after a breakup or divorce. You might feel like being alone, but isolating yourself will only make this time more difficult. Don’t try to get through this on your own.

Reach out to trusted friends and family members. People who have been through painful breakups or divorces can be especially helpful. They know what it is like and they can assure you that there is hope for healing and new relationships.

• Spend time with people who support, value, and energize you. As you consider who to reach out to, choose wisely. Surround yourself with people who are positive and who truly listen to you. It’s important that you feel free to be honest about what you’re going through, without worrying about being judged, criticized, or told what to do.
• Get outside help if you need it. If reaching out to others doesn’t come naturally, consider seeing a counselor or joining a support group. The most important thing is that you have at least one place where you feel comfortable opening up.
• Cultivate new friendships. If you feel like you have lost your social network along with the divorce or breakup, make an effort to meet new people. Join a networking group or special interest club, take a class, get involved in community activities, or volunteer at your school, synagogue, or church.  

Children and Divorce

If you’re a parent, you may be worried about the effect of the divorce on your children. While divorce can be hard on kids, you can help them through this difficult time.

Helping your Child Cope with Separation or Divorce 

Co-parenting After a Separation or Divorce

Taking care of yourself after a divorce or relationship breakup

A divorce is a highly stressful, life-changing event. When you’re going through the emotional wringer and dealing with major life changes, it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself. The strain and upset of a major breakup leaves you psychologically and physically vulnerable. Treat yourself like you’re getting over the flu. Get plenty of rest, minimize other sources of stress in your life, and reduce your workload if possible. 

Learning to take care of yourself can be one of the most valuable lessons you learn following a divorce or breakup. As you feel the emotions of your loss and begin learning from your experience, you can resolve to take better care of yourself and make positive choices going forward.

Self-care tips:

• Make time each day to nurture yourself. Help yourself heal by scheduling daily time for activities you find calming and soothing. Go for a walk in nature, listen to music, enjoy a hot bath, get a massage, read a favorite book, take a yoga class, or savor a warm cup of tea.
• Pay attention to what you need in any given moment and speak up to express your needs. Honor what you believe to be right and best for you even though it may be different from what your ex or others want. Say "no" without guilt or angst as a way of honoring what is right for you.
• Stick to a routine. A divorce or relationship breakup can disrupt almost every area of your life, amplifying feelings of stress, uncertainty, and chaos. Getting back to a regular routine can provide a comforting sense of structure and normalcy.
• Take a time out. Try not to make any major decisions in the first few months after a separation or divorce, like starting a new job or moving to a new city. If you can, wait until you’re feeling less emotional so that you can make better decisions.
• Avoid using alcohol, drugs, or food to cope. When you’re in the middle of a breakup, you may be tempted to do anything to relieve your feelings of pain and loneliness. But using alcohol, drugs, or food as an escape is unhealthy and destructive in the long run. It’s essential to find healthier ways of coping with painful feelings.
• Explore new interests. A divorce or breakup is a beginning as well as an end. Take the opportunity to explore new interests and activities. Pursuing fun, new activities gives you a chance to enjoy life in the here-and-now, rather than dwelling on the past.

Making healthy choices: Eat well, sleep well, and exercise

When you’re going through the stress of a divorce or breakup, healthy habits easily fall by the wayside. You might find yourself not eating at all or overeating your favorite junk foods. Exercise might be harder to fit in because of the added pressures at home and sleep might be elusive. But all of the work you are doing to move forward in a positive way will be pointless if you don’t make long-term healthy lifestyle choices.

Tips for Getting Better Sleep Healthy Eating

Exercise for Exercise Haters Stress Relief

Learning important lessons from a divorce or breakup

In times of emotional crisis, there is an opportunity to grow and learn. Just because you are feeling emptiness in your life right now, doesn’t mean that nothing is happening or that things will never change. Consider this period a time-out, a time for sowing the seeds for new growth. You can emerge from this experience knowing yourself better and feeling stronger.

In order to fully accept a breakup and move on, you need to understand what happened and acknowledging the part you played. It’s important to understand how the choices you made affected the relationship. Learning from your mistakes is the key to not repeating them.

Some questions to ask yourself:

• Step back and look at the big picture. How did you contribute to the problems of the relationship?
• Do you tend to repeat the same mistakes or choose the wrong person in relationship after relationship?
• Think about how you react stress and deal with conflict and insecurities. Could you act in a more constructive way?
• Consider whether or not you accept other people the way they are, not the way they could or “should” be.
• Examine your negative feelings as a starting point for change. Are you in control of your feelings, or are they in control of you?

You’ll need to be honest with yourself during this part of the healing process. Try not to dwell on who is to blame or beat yourself up over your mistakes. As you look back on the relationship, you have an opportunity to learn more about yourself, how you relate to others, and the problems you need to work on. If you are able to objectively examine your own choices and behavior, including the reasons why you chose your former partner, you’ll be able to see where you went wrong and make better choices next time
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Break Up - Life After Love: A self-healing process...

So, you've found out that Mr. or Miss Right isn't the soul mate you've always dreamed about. Now what? 

The period of loss and pain doesn't have to extend on to an eternity of what ifs. After spending a few days wallowing in self-pity, you'll probably want to start making a few steps towards life after love. To help ease this transition, try a few of the following ideas.


Keep a daily journal.
Letting loose on your emotions is a quick and self-healing way to recover from incidents of loss and pain. This is especially true of keeping a journal. Make a commitment to write for at least a few minutes every day.
Learn at least one new thing a day.
Keep your mind busy with new information. Whether you decide to learn a new word or how to do something new on your computer, it will help you keep moving forward instead of looking back.
Take a daily walk.
Get yourself out and about with a 20 to 30 minute walk. Just the constant, repetitive motion of moving your legs one after another is enough to help you put things in perspective.
Go out with yourself.
Just because you are not attached to someone doesn't mean you can't enjoy going out. Think of it as a chance to go to all the places you've always wanted to go.
Develop a hobby.
Maybe there is something you've always wanted to learn how to do. Now is the perfect opportunity to develop it! Try anything from bicycling, joining a walking club, sewing, bodyboarding or surfing, learning how to watercolor, or cooking.

11 Tips For Getting Over Your Ex:

Universal Pictures

• What You Need To Know
• This is one of the few times you can get away with bad-mouthing your ex.
• Look at the bright side: You have more time to hang out with your buddies.
• Go ahead -- sleep with another woman (it'll make you feel better).

"

First things first: Stop acting like your ex was God's gift to men. 

                                      ...She wasn't perfect.

Getting over your ex is one of the great dilemmas of manhood. It’s rarely a quick and easy process, and it’s often complicated by all the things that the two of you still have in common, like friends, favorite hangouts and even living quarters. Maybe the most frustrating thing about the whole process is that even if ending the relationship was the right thing to do -- even if she cheated on you -- it can still be hard to bury all those memories and move on with your life.  
Here at AskMen, we’re in the business of getting you back in the game, so we’ve put together a list of the 11 tips for getting over your ex. Follow this program from start to finish, and you’ll be back to your old self in no time. 

1- Take Her Off That Pedestal

First things first: Stop acting like your ex was God’s gift to men. She wasn’t perfect. If we’re being honest, she probably wasn’t even close. Make a list of her annoying traits. Let your buddies bad-mouth her. Do whatever you have to do -- just take her off that pedestal.

2- Get Closure

Step two for getting over your ex: get closure. If you’re going to end this thing, end it. Make sure you’re both on the same page. This is a breakup, not a “break.” The two of you are moving on, which means potentially seeing other people. If you feel the need to do a relationship postmortem, do it now. You won’t be seeing her again for a while.

3- Don't Contact Her

This may be the most important of our 11 tips for getting over your ex. After you’ve gotten closer, don’t contact her. Go cold turkey. Seriously. Maybe you said some crap about trying to stay friends, maybe you made some idiot vow to “always be there for each other,” but forget it. By staying in touch with old flames, you’re asking for months (if not years) of on-again-off-again uncertainty. So, throw out her phone number, stop texting her and unfriend her on Facebook. Imagine how freaked out you'll be the first time you see some strange dude in her profile picture, and you'll see why a clean break is essential.

4- Work Out

Without a girlfriend gobbling up hours out of every day, you may be wondering what to do with yourself. Now that you’re single, we suggest hitting the gym or taking a jog. It’s a healthy way to work out all of that post-breakup frustration. Getting in shape is also a good way to boost your self-esteem. And don’t forget: The gym is a great place to meet women (plenty of reasons why working out makes our list of 11 tips for getting over your ex).

5- Avoid Her Friends And The Places She Hangs

If you want to avoid the temptations that come with bumping into an ex, you might have to make some sacrifices. You might have to cut ties with some of your mutual friends. You might have to avoid some of your favorite haunts (because they’re her favorite haunts, too). Trust us, it’s a small price to pay for peace of mind.

We have 6 more tips on how to get over an ex next...

Forget about all that stuff you left at her place. Consider it gone.

6- Throw Away Anything That Reminds You Of Her

That dopey-looking teddy bear she gave you for your birthday, the sappy love letters she wrote, the adorable pictures of the two of you -- chuck ’em. Throw it all away. The sooner you get all that junk out of your house the sooner you’ll get over her. 

And before you ask, yes, it’s fine to keep items that don't evoke any emotional connections. If she bought you a copy of Call of Duty 2, keep it. But clothes, jewelry, keepsakes, and the like should be ditched. 

7- Don't Try To Get Your Stuff Back

By the same token, you don’t want to try to get your stuff back. You can’t have a relationship relapse if you don’t allow yourself to see your ex. Forget about all that stuff you left at her place. Consider it gone. The $50 you’re going to have to spend to replace a few DVDs is a small price to pay to avoid an ex-girlfriend who could be either desperately needy or irrationally angry.

8- Hang Out With Your Friends

One of the things you had to sacrifice when in a committed relationship was time with your friends. Girlfriends are notorious time-bandits, always greedy for more and more of your attention. But now that you’re single, you can reconnect with the buds you left behind. Not only will it be fun, but it will also be therapeutic because hanging out with your friends is one of the most rewarding of our 11 tips for getting over your ex.

9- Exercise Your Newfound Freedom

Relationships are about compromise. Being single should be about doing whatever the hell you want. Look, you’ve ditched the ball and chain. You’re free. So stay out until four in the morning, hop on a plane to Vegas with your brother, or just sit on your ass and watch basketball all day. Taking pleasure in all of those things that you couldn’t do as a boyfriend is a great way to get over your ex.

10- Remember The Bad Times

It’s pretty common for guys to idealize their significant others after a breakup. You’ll just be going about your business, and then, suddenly, you’ll remember an inside joke or a great date. Then you’ll grin, thinking about a cute personality quirk she had, and before long, you’re fantasizing about how great your sex life used to be.
 
Snap out of it. One of the most important of our 11 tips for getting over your ex is to remember the bad times. Focus on the fights and the problems. Recollect her bad habits and shady behavior. It’s like taking a cold shower. 

11- Sleep With Another Girl

The most foolproof method for getting over your ex is to sleep with another girl. It’s the fastest and most efficient way to get an ex-girlfriend out of your system. One of the reasons we equivocate about leaving an ex behind is because -- no matter how confident we are -- we worry we won’t find someone new. That’s what sends us crawling back to our familiar, comfy, dysfunctional exes time and time again. Finding a new love interest, even for one night, is the best method of countering all those self-defeating thoughts.

Bonus: Make Sure Your Next Girlfriend Is An Upgrade

One last thing you want to be certain of is that your love life is moving in the right direction. If your rebound girlfriend is a train wreck, you could end up moving backward and reconnecting with your ex, only to waste another year or two of your life on a relationship that’s doomed to fail. So be sure that your next girlfriend is an upgrade.

Banish Her From Your Mind

If you follow these 11 tips for getting over your ex, we’re certain you’ll be back in the saddle in no time. It’s never easy, but with a solid plan and a lot of willpower, you can forget the past and focus on your future.