Love Hurts, & Men Feel The Pain Longer

Check out what our neighbors to the north have discovered: men are about twice as likely to report depression stemming from divorce than women.

According to the AFP news agency, men aged 20 to 64 who had divorced or separated were six times more likely to report an episode of depression than those who remained married, according to Statistics Canada. Women, however, were only 3.5 times more likely to have had a bout of depression after a marital breakup than those still in a relationship.

Neither the study nor the news report on it gave any real indication of why this was. What would have been interesting is if they paired these statistics with ones on who initiates divorce and reasons cited for the split. I wonder, for example, if women are initiating the divorces more because of cheating spouses and the like. In which case they are probably six times more likely to be pissed off after divorce than men. Or hey, vice versa.

But do check out that little happy nugget of news at the bottom. Turns out it takes only four years to get over the complete and utter devastation of losing the person you love. Well sheesh, if they can solve that one, now can they tell us how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?


The Break Up Girl can offer solutions and advice for both men and women, whether together, apart, or working on it.

http://www.breakupgirl.net/advice/moveon.html

After the break-up, your "first love" never really leaves you, according to student research at UC Berkeley

   

After the break-up, your "first love" never really leaves you, according to student research at UC Berkeley

07 Feb 2001

By Kathleen Scalise, Media Relations

Berkeley - Whether your heart belongs to anyone this Valentine's Day may depend on what happened the first time you fell in love.

This new finding, by University of California, Berkeley, graduate student Jennifer Beer, challenges the notion commonly held since Freud that the stability of the parent-child relationship sets the stage for attachment later in life.

With romance, said Beer, "Some of the problems you have in the romantic domain may have more to do with your first love than with your parents." She based her work on the first-love stories of 303 UC Berkeley undergraduates, mostly juniors, collected in 1997.

By "first love," Beer doesn't mean a childhood crush on a teacher or movie star, but the first real relationship of a romantic nature between two individuals, often experienced in adolescence or early adult years. Those who remember the experience positively are more likely to consider themselves securely attached to their current romantic partners, she said, and to perceive their romantic partners as securely attached to them.

She now is looking at how such recent and distant "vivid" representations of self and partner are stored in different memory systems in the brain and what this might reveal about self-perception.

"Vivid memories are very detailed, self-defining, something you recall a lot, stories and anecdotes you dwell on or tell all the time," Beer said.

In the case of first love, such memories often range from bittersweet but fond - perhaps recollections of a poignant puppy love tinged with regard or regret for a long-ago sweetheart - to deeply painful, soul-crushing experiences.

Whatever happened, "it can set you up as thinking, 'This is what I am like as a relationship partner,' " Beer said.

People who recollect their first romantic experience as involving good feelings, for instance, citing memories of happiness, excitement, strength, inspiration, pride and enthusiasm, were more likely to be in stable relationships years later than those recalling hostility, upset, stress, guilt, fright or shame, Beer found.

"First love relationships often break up. So people say, 'What do you mean, good feelings? It was a breakup,' " she said. "But even though the relationship ended, which seems like it might be negative, the vivid memories surrounding the experience can be good or bad."

As an example of a good experience, Beer cited one respondent who suffered greatly because her former boyfriend dated other women immediately after their relationship ended. But, prior to that, the experience had been a positive taste of what love could be, and the woman learned what made her happy in a relationship.

Alternatively, Beer described a stormier experience that left the respondent years later with the unshakeable suspicion that all men were untrustworthy.

"This is wrong, but I cannot help myself," the respondent commented. "One negative experience has been enough to change my entire outlook on men."

Beer identified four patterns of perception surrounding relationships:

* Secure - A secure, positive sense of both self and partner in a relationship.

* Dismissive -A positive sense of self, but not of partner.

* Preoccupied - A positive sense of partner, but not of self.

* Fearful - Negative recollections of both.

Those with memories of positive emotion and outcomes from their first relationship "were more likely to have positive views of self and others in romantic relationships," Beer said. "Those with more negative emotions and outcome were more likely to show one of the other three patterns."

 http://berkeley.edu/news/media/releases/2001/02/07_love.html

Knowing how to let go of someone you love is tough, but you’re not alone if you’re holding on to the past! It’s hard to let go, my friend.

These tips for letting go and moving on apply to all types of loss, and include resources for healing a broken heart.

Before the tips, a quip:
“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting them back together.” ~ Unknown.

This is one of my favorite quotations on letting go because it’s true – sometimes it’s worse (in the long run) to try to get back together. Sometimes you need to keep forging ahead, and learn to survive heartbreak.

Here are a few tips for letting go of someone you love…

How to Let Go of Someone You Love

If you feel hopeless and depressed, read 75 Ways to Let Go of Someone You Love. I interviewed psychologists, life coaches, counselors, and grief experts on the best ways to cope with and heal from loss.

Remember both the good and the bad parts of the relationship

When you’ve lost someone you love, it’s easy to focus on the great parts of your relationship and life together. But, there was a reason you broke up — maybe even several reasons! Don’t ignore the “bad” parts of the relationship and idealize the best parts…instead, keep reminding yourself that you’re letting go of the past because holding on to it isn’t good for you.

Accept that your loss may always hurt or confuse you

Some things, we never ever get over — but we can still live full, rewarding lives and achieve our goals! Part of letting go of someone you love is accepthing that you may never have all the answers. For instance, my sister cut me out of her life five years ago. She told me she didn’t want to speak to me again and wouldn’t tell me why. That was the ultimate lesson in powerlessness and letting go…and that’s why I wrote Letting Go of Someone You Love.

Accept your lack of control over other people

No matter how “good”, smart, helpful, giving, or attractive you are, you can’t control other people. If they leave you, they have their reasons…and sometimes those reasons have nothing to do with you. The sooner you accept your lack of control, the easier it’ll be to let go of someone you love.

Rebuild yourself

Your losses, heartbreaks, setbacks, and disappointments have made you a different person — a better, more unique, more compassionate person! Instead of mourning what was or what could have been, start something new in your life. Think about what goals you should set for your life. Volunteer, take a solo vacation, join a new gym, take a night class, join a support group, check out a new social club, quit your job, and set new life goals. Rebuild your life — set new life goals.

Remember that letting go of love doesn’t happen overnight

Letting go of the past isn’t something you do once – and poof! You’re free, healed, and happy! Rather, letting go is a journey peppered with steps forward and steps backward, good days and bad days. I grew up in foster homes, and was constantly saying hello and good-bye to new families, friends, and cities. I learned how to love, let go, and open my heart to love again. And I’ve survived those heart-wrenching, gut-twisting breakups that slam you to the ground and rip you to pieces. Letting go is a process that takes time.

Why Do Women Break Up With Men?

http://www.datingdynamics.com/dating-tips-for-men-articles/why-do-women-break-up-with-men.php

When I first started dating, I had good luck in finding women, but lousy luck in keeping them.

I found myself wondering why do women break up with men, anyway?

- Is it my looks?

- Is it my money?

- Is it my job?

Tell me if one of these situations sounds familiar...

DATING DISASTER 1:

In the first situation, I'd go out on a date with a girl, and everything would seem to be going pretty cool. She was digging me, I was digging her.

And there was usually no problem getting that kiss at the end, once I got past the butterflies in my stomach.

Then, I'd call her back the next day (don't women want that?) and I'd never get her, just her voicemail. I'd leave a message, telling her how I had a great time and wanted to see her again.

And then she wouldn't call.

I'd wait for a day or two and try her back again, and if I finally did get her, the conversation would go something like this:

ME: "Hey..."

HER: "Hey." (Not very excited. And I'd feel my stomach sink.)

ME: "Uh, I just thought I'd call and say hello. See how you were doing..."

HER: "Oh, yeah, I'm doing great. Look, I can't really talk right now - I'm hanging out with a friend."

ME: "Oh, uh, okay. Call you later?"

HER: "Sure thing. Talk to you later..."

-- CLICK --

And then later on I'd get an email about how she thinks we should "just be friends."

ARRRRRGH!

What about this situation...

DATING DISASTER 2:

You go out on a date with a girl, and things seem great. You go out on a 2nd and 3rd date, and everything seems pretty fun and cool. Heavy duty makeout sessions...

Ah, it's bliss.

Then, you decide it's time for the "BIG MOVE™."

You invite her over for dinner at YOUR house.

Candles.

Music.

Wine.

Good food.

You're all set. You've even got a condom under the mattress for the "right moment."

Sure enough, she comes over. But you feel a strange vibe as she comes in and gives you a peck on the cheek. Things are a little cooler than before.

You ignore it and go on with the dinner. After the food and wine is done, you go to the living room to chill and hang out on the couch.

You try to get her warmed up, start a little kissing, but she's not as into it as before. She might even throw out the "it's my time of the month" excuse.

Before you know it, she's got an "early day tomorrow," and she has to get going.

I mean, you don't want to admit to yourself that this happened, but it did, and you keep wondering...

WHAT THE HELL DID I DO WRONG?

And then I'd immediately wonder...

WHY do women break up with men like this?

It's frustrating, isn't it?

That's kind of an understatement. It's a real pisser is what it is.

Let's talk about the reasons, but first, you should understand something...

Dating a woman is kind of like driving a car. It takes some work to get it started and moving, but once you get it up to speed, you want to just let it coast under its own power.

You want to click the "cruise control" and just let it riiiiide...

One of the problems here is that dating and attraction has no "cruise control."

And the other problem is that if you don't keep your foot on that gas, you will slow down to nothing when the first hill comes along.

Think of dating "gas" as being the excitement and fun you put into it.

That's all a woman needs to keep feeling that "spark" with you.

I'm going to come back to this one.

Now, let's answer the Big Question: Why do women break up with men?

REASON #1) She found another guy.

Well, this really isn't a reason the way most guys think it is. You see, a woman doesn't want another guy if the one she's with is doing the right things and challenging her.

(Mind you that we're assuming that the woman is stable and doesn't have a major character flaw that leads her to cheating.)

I found out - the hard way - that a woman has NO problem cheating on her boyfriend if she feels that he's not living up to his end of the deal. Meaning, he isn't doing all the things the new guy is to make her feel unique and attractive.

She will feel JUSTIFIED in cheating, in fact. She won't even see it as cheating. She'll see it as self-preservation.

I'm not trying to make women out to be evil here. Guys do the exact same thing - just for slightly different reasons.

I'm going to talk about this again in a minute... Let's move on.

REASON #2) She's exceptionally smart and emotionally mature, and she realizes that you're not what she's looking for in a long term relationship.

Hmmm.

This one doesn't happen often, in my experience, even though it really ought to.

The reality is that when I finally "got it" and understood that you can very easily get a woman so addicted to having you around (because you're giving her what no other guy seems to be able to, other than the unstable "bad boys" out there), you'll have the very real problem of women staying with you even when it's not a good match.

But, as we say, that's a High Quality Problem, huh?

In other words, if I'm going to have a problem, that's a good kind to have.

So while I'm including this as Reason 2 here, the reality is that it's not going to happen if you follow my strategies for building attraction.

REASON #3) You STOPPED doing all the things that got her attracted to you in the first place.

In other words, you let the attraction energy die out.

I could write books and books on this topic...

The fact of the matter is that guys typically put in a lot of energy to get things started with a woman, don't we?

We have to approach her (tell me that isn't agony...)

We have to brave the fear of rejection...

We have to get her number...

We have to call her up and ask her out...

We have to make the plans for the date...

We have to keep escalating things until we can sleep with her...

Hey, that's a lot of work! But we don't mind because it's the thrill of the chase.

But after you've conquered her, this is typically where the average guy lets off that gas and expects the woman to take over. And many women DO take over...

... for a time.

Eventually, though, she becomes resentful that she feels like SHE is doing all the work, and she starts to withdraw. Eventually, she'll either cheat, or she'll just break up with you.

Just remember, there's always a guy out there waiting to do whatever it is you stopped doing to attract your woman.

Look, I'm not saying a woman is justified here, but you have to be realistic. If you weren't doing your work at your job, would you REALLY be surprised if your boss came to you one day and said, "We're terribly sorry, but you haven't been doing your duties. We've found a replacement for you. You're fired."

Cheating sucks, and it's the most painful lesson in the world. But when you clear away all the emotional fog, you'll usually see that there were signs WAY long ago.

There's a rule you must remember:

CARLOS XUMA'S RULE: A woman will NOT leave a man she doesn't feel like she's completely WON.

This is BIG time important! I can't tell you how much that one tip has made ALL the difference in my dating. After I learned it, women stopped breaking up with me. Then it was MY choice to stay with her or not.

I'm not some kind of control freak or something here, but if there's a choice between being the guy that gets dumped, and the guy that does the dumping - I choose to be the guy that breaks up with her.

I suspect you'd rather be that guy, too.

So let's stop "wrongful termination" in its tracks.

Remember that if you focus on ONE area of your connection with women, you'll eliminate about 90% of all the issues you'll ever run into.

That one area is ENERGY.

In my model of attraction called "REAL Game," R.E.A.L. stands for:

R= Relaxed & Resourceful
E= Effective & Energized
A= Alpha & Authentic
L= Lifestyle & Lasting

These are the essential ingredients of your game that create MASSIVE attraction with women - if you know how to use them.

Notice the "E" = Energized.

This is the one area that many guys think of as being the "entertainer," or the life of the party, or Mr. Excitement.

Well, this isn't true. It's actually a technique that you apply in different ways and at different times. And I'll be talking about this more in the upcoming videos and newsletters.

Remember, a woman's definition of "romance" is the same as a guy's. It's simply "fun..."

And remember my rule:

A woman will NOT leave a man she doesn't feel like she's completely WON.
 

If you want to learn how to be the Alpha Man - the man that women never break up with - I've got another article (and a program) you will probably want to see.

The one sure fire way to keep a woman attracted to you is to show her an Alpha Male that has the confidence and attitude that she wants to experience...