Loneliness is not just about your marriage ending, it is about all the aspects of your life that change. You are separating from your partner of many years and that by itself can lead to loneliness. But because your entire life is structured around your marriage, it impacts all your relationships. Going from a married couple to a single person affects your relationships with your family, in-laws, friends and most social circles that you have enjoyed during your married life. Finding yourself suddenly single can feel alien and isolating.
Perhaps your family doesn’t understand or your in-laws feel too angry or uncomfortable to continue their relationship with you. If you have children of any age, they too are reacting to the changing circumstances, some moving closer to you while others may push away, side with the other parent or just isolate themselves. Your friends may be uncomfortable not knowing who to give their loyalty to or stop inviting you to events that are attended by all married couples.
You need to talk in order to process all that is going on, but soon feel that you are burdening your closest friends; that they are getting tired of hearing your story. You may also feel like you are so sad or angry that you are depressing to be around and might be pushing away the few friends you have. You may feel more like staying under the covers or watching TV on weekends instead of getting out of the house and doing something. Or you may be working so hard to just make ends meet, that you have no time or energy to socialize anymore.
Because divorce is also wrought with feelings such as sadness, frustration, anger and fear, you are already ripe for isolating yourself due to depression. Add to this your changing circumstances and you can easily find yourself secluded from friends and family that truly want to be there for you.
How do you navigate these difficult times honoring your feelings and need to grieve yet protecting yourself from isolation and the depression that can follow?
1. Honor your feelings with time and patience. It is healthy and essential that you go through the grieving process. These feelings are not going to last forever, but it is where you are and need to be right now. You need time to feel your feelings and process all that is happening in your life. If used well, this can be a time of healing and self reflection. You can get to know yourself, how you ended up in this situation, what your part in it is and how you can begin to learn from your struggle and become a healthier person.
2. Create a healthy support network. Take a look at all your relationships and decide who the healthiest people are to help you through this. Who will keep the focus on you instead of joining you in bashing your ex? Who will give you the support and encouragement you need when you are in fear and anxiety about your future? Also join a Divorce Support Group. Being around others who are going through the same life transition as you will be very healing. You will see that you are not alone in your fears or feelings. This is also a great place to begin new friendships. Check out local groups or go towww.meetup.com and see if there are any groups in your area.
3. Take care of yourself. Eat right and get some exercise. Go for a daily walk. Have a cup of tea or coffee with a friend. Take up a hobby or take a class (yoga, carpentry, writing, pottery). Do something special with your kids. Make sure that you are on your priority list. Now is the time to give yourself the attention you need. Just like healing a physical wound, it is critical that you give yourself time to heal your emotions and that requires downtime and attention to your self.
4. Begin to create new goals. Look forward instead of back. This might mean painting and redecorating your home, taking up a new interest, planning a vacation or joining a social group (ie. biking club, book club) to begin recreating your life. This can be an exciting time to ask yourself what dreams and aspirations you put on the back burner that you would like to dust off and give a try.
5. Take the focus off of yourself. This may mean helping your children, supporting someone else going through a difficult time or volunteering for a local cause that is close to your heart. By shifting the focus away from your stuff, you begin to feel helpful and find gratitude for what you do have instead of focusing on what you no longer have.
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